Is it wrong to have ‘the checklist’ when dating?
The all-elusive checklist of the ideal life partner that many of us create, whether it be in our heads, journalled or even printed and stuck on the wall, has been a controversial topic in Christian circles for as long as I can remember.
On one hand, we are told that we are being too picky, that the ‘perfect’ person does not exist, that our standards are too high and we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment.
On the flip side, we are encouraged to write a list so that it provides us with a compass to pray from, helps us focus and stay the course on what we are desiring for in a partner and even allows us to dream with God.
Psalm 37:4 encourages us to delight in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart.
This is echoed with a prayer in Psalm 20:4, where it says, “may he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.”
What does it mean to delight in the Lord? I invite you to sit with that for a minute. To delight in Him means that we focus our gaze firmly and wholeheartedly on Him, not for what you want Him to do, but for who He is.
It means that all of our affection, devotion, satisfaction and fulfillment is centered in Him. When that happens, our desires naturally align with His will for us and so do our priorities.
I have heard of checklists ranging from desired personality traits, values and character must-haves, all the way to what instrument they should play, the colour of their eyes or how tall they should be. There is no limit!
In saying that, I have heard of testimonies of couples where God matched every single point on their checklist- yes, even to the minutest detail of specific physical characteristics they desired.
I have also heard of others where the person they ended up with, was nothing like what they had penned in their journal. The point here is this - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a checklist.
Matthew 7:7 invites us to, “keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” God is into the details and He knows exactly what our heart’s desires are, before we even ask Him.
1 John 5:14-15 says, “and we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.”
Yes, we may wish and dream of who our future partner will be and we can even pray specifics, but we must not allow that picture to become our idol and shift our attention away from God. We need only to pray, trust and seek Him first, above anything that is on that list.
I encourage you to pray with expectancy and from a place of gratitude.
Allow His peace to guard your heart and mind as you meditate on His word and spend time with Him in the secret place.
Another thing to consider is that while you have a checklist of what you are seeking in your future partner, someone else has one too. I invite you to have a read of your list (if you have one), and ask yourself these questions:
How are you preparing yourself to be the best future partner for someone else?
If you have listed qualities that you want to see in that person (EG: kind, generous, proactive, integrous, loving, joyful etc), are you practicing these fruits in your own life?
Does your list reflect an idealistic or realistic perspective?
Do you feel God speaking into these desires? What is He saying?
As you pray and reflect on this list, surrender it to God and allow Him to be your guide. He knows you, sees you and wants the very best for you. There is nothing too big or too small for Him and He loves it when you come to Him with an open and yielding heart. I also encourage you to pray for your future partner, whoever they may be.
Pray and declare blessings over them, pray that as you passionately pursue The One, that they too, would be experiencing a deeper revelation of who He is.
Having a list is wonderful and it means that you are actively and intentionally praying to the Lord about your life partner; that you are focused and uncompromising in seeking out the values/character traits of someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with.
But in it all, as you spend time in His presence and align your heart with His, undergird your hopes and desires with His truth and trust that He has good things in store for you.
Mec-Lynn x
